Sometimes Darwin's Theories Just Don't Work Fast Enough

My coworker and I are minding our own business, trying to keep up with a very heavy Saturday night emergency room workload, when in walks a woman whom I've never seen before. She's wearing scrubs and has a name badge just like us, so we know it's another employee. Our general demeanor is 'what can we help you with?'

"I have a really stupid question." she says. At this time I notice her skin is a shade somewhere between our oak kitchen cabinets at home and that weird crayon in your box you had as a kid called 'burnt umber'. Since it's smack in the middle of February, I can only conclude she has been feverishly worshipping that tanning bed with holy roller enthusiasm, or recently spent a very long vacation somewhere around the equator, sans sunscreen. The probable natural shade of her skin was apparent when she relaxed her squint wrinkles.

I said something to the effect of 'oh, it's not stupid. What do you need to know?'

Well, after a rambling tale of how she normally works first shift, and how a patient in the observation area wanted to be able to go outside to smoke, she said she had loaned her identity badge to this man.

'No...' we said.

'Oh yes.' she said. And now Security has deactivated her badge, because of the possible compromise to the safety of the building.

Could we please, please let her use one of OUR badges to go to the outdoor employee smoking area (the Butt Hut) so she can grab a smoke?

Ummmm..........no.

"Well, we aren't going to repeat YOUR mistake." I said. To my coworker's delight, who had turned her back to continue working and hide her laughter. However, we have a general all-purpose badge here in the ER lab for getting into the staff bathroom, and in the doors. I suppose we could let you have that.

"Oh thank you!" she cries.

And hugs me.

I was too shocked to do anything but stand there stiffly while she put her hands on me and pressed her ciggy-smelling gray sweatshirt against my person. I handed her the badge and watched her walk out, wondering if we were going to see our badge again, wondering if we'd done the right thing, and wondering if I should have said exactly what I thought.

But you know, sometimes there just ain't no cure for stupid. And I truly hope I helped her enjoy her smoke out there in the freezing cold night, and I hope she deeply inhaled those cigarette fumes into each and every one of her alveoli. And I am simply not going to think about the idea of even one cent of my increasing health insurance premiums going to pay for oxygen, a lung transplant, hospitalization, chemo, surgery or anything else that might possibly be in this woman's future. With a little luck, nature will take its course and none of that will be necessary.